9ja Story: My Ulcer. || Written by #michael_ghost

Wait! I know you must have heard a lot of people saying they have ulcer, yet you’ll see them playing and having fun. Well it could be true, but it’s hard to believe from my own perspective.
what is Ulcer?
First of all there are different kinds of ulcer but I am talking about stomach ulcer
…So what’s is stomach ulcer ?
Stomach ulcers are painful sores that can be found in the stomach lining or small intestine. Stomach ulcers are the most visible sign of peptic ulcer disease. They occur when the thick layer of mucus that protects your stomach from digestive juices is reduced, thus enabling the digestive acids to eat away at the lining tissues of the stomach.
Stomach ulcers are easily cured, but they can become severe without proper treatment.

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I am nothing close to being a medical professional neither am I here to teach you what ulcer is, but it has become a rampant excuse for “food mongers”, especially ladies to use ulcer as an excuse to eat like a gluttonous hippopotamus (that is, if there’s any such expression). So one day, I went to an eatery like that in Unilag. I ordered for my food “jejely” and sat close to a wall where there were multiple sockets so I could change my phone…
“Excuse me please, can you please help me plug my phone?” she said. I don’t know who she was but I helped. The number of “please” she used in her sentence is enough to persuade a lion to be a vegetarian. I plugged in her phone and I started enjoying my meal. Of course, potato chips, plantain and boiled egg is the perfect meal to eat at Salado [restaurant]. Since I was done with all my plans for that day and I was jobless, after eating, I brought out my laptop to play pes17 [PC football game]. It was then I noticed this babe had ordered for food meant for three adult-sized elephants. The fact she had ordered jollof rice, fried rice, beans, salad, boiled egg, potato chips and one big fish in one plate was so astounding that it had me wondering what kind of diet she was on. The good thing was that she was using her own money, since she came by herself and not with a guy; something that was very rare for a Unilag babe. But the amount of food could be compared graphically with the height of inflation rate in Nigeria. Well that being said, I just told myself to mind my business as I switched on my laptop to play my game.
However, this babe “massacred” the food in 10 minutes , wow! She retrieved her phone and left.
Not more than two hours later, I saw this babe again. This time with her friends gisting. In my perverted mind, I was thinking maybe this was a sign she might be the one to rescue me from my single life syndrome. Only for me to be given a spiritual slap of shock as I saw this babe order for another round of food alongside her other friends.
This time she ordered for porridge, egg and plantain with a bottle of coke.
“Is that food not too much?”, one of the friends asked her as they all took their seat.
“I have ulcer and my doctor said I must eat well to avoid stomach pain” she replied.
“Aah! Mogbe! Jesu! Lord! Please give the devil a fainting spot!” I shouted in my head, but my thoughts were written all over my face, I was sure that even the blind could see it. I was completely shocked. She must have noticed my reaction, she looked at me and placed a finger on her lips, secretly signalling me to sshhh!.
Heaven knows I fainted in my imaginary world. First of all ulcer mostly affects people who don’t eat much, this one that was in front of me was a food monster, she was like the Apocalypse of food…food ranger. If she was the incredible hulk, her anger would be based on food only.
Enough judging, but why? This lie she lied was really killing me and it reminded me of a female friend of mine. That one too likes eating every minute, her mouth is always chewing something. She must be a descendant of goats. Her excuse too is that she has ulcer and the doctor instructed her to eat every time she felt hungry. Apparently, her own hunger comes per second.
Last time I met her, she drank a 50cl bottle of coke and a bowl of icream in quick succession, when she was asked why, she blamed it on ulcer.

That’s not the way i remember what ulcer is. Have you ever heard the popular saying “experience is the best teacher”? Well let me share my own experience of ulcer with you, so you will understand what ulcer is really like.
Let me take you back in time, as far back as 9years ago, when I was in jss1. I just got admission into secondary school.
At that time, I was a promising small elephant in size, but as soon as I started boarding school, things changed. The school food was beautifully more terrible than poisoned prison food. It’s not as if my parents were rich, but we could at least afford good food. Well in boarding school, no such luxury and not much choice. It’s either you eat the food or feed on your provision.
Then I did not know anything like food deal or school father or any other means of surviving, so I just played out my life; sleep, wake up, take cereals and once in a fortnight, I’d force myself to eat the school food. Most of the time I only ate once a day. This pattern continued for about two months.

Symptoms
In the middle of the third month, I started having stomach ache. My system was already used to not eating much, so at times I’d go a day without eating. Just water was enough. My stomach ache was kind of erratic, it would ache me for 2mimutes and disappear. As time moved on I lost the energy to play as I used to. I became gentle like I was surviving on a thin thread. After a few days, the stomach pain of two minutes increased to ten minutes. I would go to the toilet hoping maybe it was just some stubborn “shit” that did not want to come out. I would sit in the toilet for hours in vain. As time passed, the pain became severe and at that point, the more I tried to eat, the more pain I experienced. But I was not running any temperature or having a headache, so I was sure I wasn’t sick, “the pain would eventually go” i thought.

ULCER

I woke up with the ultimate pain in this life. It was as if hell fire had just opened it’s foundation in my stomach. Next thing I knew I was vomiting. If only I had been eating I wouldn’t have been vomiting saliva. I was rushed to the school clinic, thanks to a few friends. I rolled on the bed in pain. I kept feeling the serious urge to vomit but when each time I eventually did, it was just saliva. I felt like a drooling pit bull. Soon the nurse came and instructed a few students to hold me down as she injected me with a sleeping dose.
I woke later with reduced pain, and also noticed they had found a way to feed me through drip!!!
I felt much better, although I was very hungry or should I say my mouth needed something with taste. It had been 24hrs since I had anything in my mouth. I was fantasizing the kind of food the nurse might prepare for me when it resumed again. Almost immediately, I vomited all the water passed into me via the drip. At the second eruption of my vomit, I was already empty and I was back to vomiting saliva again. The nurse had to quickly inject me to sleep.

I finally woke up but my surroundings had changed. I was obviously not in the school clinic anymore, but I was still oblivious of where I was. I just lay still, two bags of drip had been attached to me. I wasn’t feeling any pain but I was so weak. I kept hearing screaming from the room next to me , it was disturbing. I couldn’t tell if the person was mentally disturbed or was in pain. I had to force myself to sleep. The next morning I woke up to see the doctor by my side, checking me out. I was later told I had been out for a week. I was induced to sleep via injection so I didn’t experience much pain. I was also told I had used up at least seven bags of drip. They also informed me that my parents had come earlier to check on me.
On the third day after my awakening, the doctor advised I should try eat something light. So I was giving Amala and gbegiri with ewedu and snail to start with.
So much enjoyment! I hadn’t eaten something of such in months. About this time I already knew I was at a General Hospital close to my school. The food was not much but I devoured it like it was my last supper. Thirty minutes later, I vomited it all out. The nurses cleaned up my mess. My parents were concerned but the doctor said it was nothing that my body system got used to the food-drip system and that it would take a while before I could start eating normally again. For the next 24 hrs I was not given anything to eat, only put on drip. It was quite funny to me how the drip worked, I was not hungry. I felt OK but I needed to taste something different other than my spit.
After the 24hrs, the doctor told the nurses to start me up with pulp. I, in my infinite secondary school wisdom told the nurses to mix the pulp with Milo and sugar.
Mehn, the taste of the pulp with Milo and sugar was like warm chocolate made from heaven. That’s how I started eating and still undergoing the drip treatment, until I eventually got better. Of course, the doctor had a talk with my parents. I did not understand all he said but because my dad told him I could be very stubborn at times. The doctor told me in his words, “boy, if you don’t want to experience what you just experienced, you need to start eating well, at least two times daily. What happened to you is as a result of you not eating. Your intestine walls in your stomach did not see anything to grind, this brought the intestine walls to rub against each other causing the severe pain you experienced. Be a good boy and eat daily.”
He discussed a little more with my parents and gave them “B-complex”.
That was the only drug he recommended for me. The pills were many but very tiny in size and packed in a small plastic bottle. I did not figure out the use of the drug until I noticed anytime I took the drug, I become unnecessarily hungry.
Back to the present…I pray never to experience such again. The incident happened nine years back, but the pain I went through made the whole story a core memory for me.
Put yourself in my shoes and imagine encountering a gluttonous lady telling you she eats so much because she has ulcer and you still see her playing around.
Just imagine how irritated you would feel.

I believe the doctors themselves are not helping matters, I happened to be at a doctor’s office when a lady was dropping complaints about stomach ache. The doctor just told her to lie down on the hospital bed in his office. He touched some parts of her belly and asked where exactly the pains were felt. After that, he just said she had ulcer , prescribed some drugs for her and said she could go but she should make sure she ate regularly. “I eat three square meals” she replied. “Eat more, more of solid food than junkfood,” the doctor said. Like seriously?! Something that delicate, he just told her like she was having headaches and I was like, was he even sure it was ulcer? Couldn’t t he give her Mistmag to go and swallow first to confirm if the pain was caused by ulcer or not? Na wa for this present-day doctors!
Well I hope I have not gotten you confused, but rather convinced about what ulcer can really be like , just in case you encounter a glorified she-goat jumping up and down and eating like an over-sized glutton, you should be able to advice such teriifying liar not to wish herself pain beyond hell.
OK I’m done , bye!.

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